I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
