the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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