you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
