onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
