I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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