So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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