I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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