Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
