She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize