Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
