Someone shit on the floor
I met the friendliest cop last night
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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