Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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