i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
