the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
