Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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