i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
