opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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