Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
