Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
