totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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