Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
