I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So vagazzling was a success
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
