don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
