On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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