sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
