I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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