listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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