In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize