i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
