found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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