you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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