You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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