Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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