He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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