I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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