Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
