did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize