His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
