I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
