Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Mom said you looked used
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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