I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He literally asked permission to hit on me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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