The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
