break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
