Im at strip club and am horny
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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