we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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