I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
