Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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