i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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