Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
