I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
