I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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