your thong is hanging out like whoa
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
