Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
