Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
