I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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